Too Quick to Judge

I clearly got get on my stock photo game… Or take better selfies.  Whichever happens first. 

A man on the train offers me tissue, or perhaps it is a napkin, because I am sniffling. I decline and say I’m fine. He persists and mentions that he heard me sniffling which is why he offered. I note, with a smile, that I already have one but thank you. I’m momentarily speechless and perplexed.

A moment before this, I noticed him look back at me, oddly, I thought. I scowl as he turns around, clearly fishing for something in his bag. I’m wondering why the man is acting so strangely. Post his gesture of kindness, I’m wondering why in the world he would randomly offer me a tissue, as if I would accept one from a stranger. I’m wondering what the man has done with the tissue that he is so quick to relinquish to me, someone unknown.

After the former exchange, I sat here in my seat on the train and thought. (I’d like to interject here and note that the word ‘exchange’ just autocorrected here on my iPhone to ‘echinacea’… I believe my phone is in my head and hears the cold in my voice, settling nicely in my bones… Can I have honey and lemon with that please?) How did I become so obtuse as to be weary of every gesture that someone makes towards me, least of which is offering my sorry, sick ass a tissue with which to wipe my nose?  The question is a part of a larger issue of why society is currently bristling with friction: blacks being scared that cops, more specifically, white cops will kill them or their friends and family members; whites and everyone else believing that all blacks are agitated and ready to strike up a violent protest at the drop of a dime; and every day citizens worried about if they or a loved one will be killed that day in a senseless act of violence.  Perhaps, if we all can just take a step back and think- think before we speak, before we act, before we shoot, before we judge -these issues in the world would lessen.  

Next time, I hope that I won’t be so quick to assume, to judge, the motive behind someone’s actions toward me. Well, I am paying for my naivety, and my quick-to-judge behavior is not without consequence. As I’m typing this the once congealed snot is beginning to drain from my nose, and guess what? The tissue that I supposedly had is actually an eyeglass cloth. 

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Uncertainty

Uncertainty.  One word, feeling, or what have you that has the ability to completely incapacitate a person.  In this case, that person would be me.  Due to my various uncertainties- about my romantic relationship, my relationships with my family and friends, my work, my education, my financial stability, shit, my MENTAL stability -for the last year or so I have been more or less completely incapacitated when it comes to getting things off of the ground.  Taking the bull by the horns and just DOING as opposed to WAITING for: the right time, more money, more time… More of everything.  Well, you know what?  I am tired of waiting.  I am tired of being and feeling incapable.  I am tired of being uncertain.

As I may have mentioned on this blog before, I have suffered from mental health issues beginning about four years ago.  I had a significant psychological break, and it has left feeling a rack of different emotions and has caused some of my former behaviors and thought processes to do a complete 180.  What I am realizing (which is something that I only heard in passing throughout my treatment) is that the only thing that will heal my feelings and my mind is, in fact, time.  Reading that sentence it seems obvious. Duh, D, you went through a bunch of shit not even five years ago! Chill tf out!  Easier said than done, my friend.  Easier said than done.

During my treatment I heard one thing consistently: You’ll always have these issues.  It doesn’t go away.  You HAVE to accept it and JUST learn to be mindful.  I promise you, this is not what anyone who has gone through what I’ve been through wants to hear.  I refuse to listen to these old adages.  I am claiming it for myself that I will NOT always have these issues.  It will ease significantly, if not go away.  I do NOT have to accept this- the waiting, the feeling incapable, the uncertainty.  I do not JUST have to be mindful- I have to be mindful AND ALSO seek other practices and outlets that will help me to feel more comfortable with who I am.  Not help me with who I have become, but who I am.

IMG_1900I am ready to move forward.  I will take what this life throws at me.  I will claim happiness.  I will DO.  I will claim certainty.

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#glowup

  
 Ahhh it’s been so. so. long.  I know, what kind of blogger am I? How could I ever in life take this long of a break from my passion?  Well, let me try to explain before you lovely people bite my head off.🙂
The past…. long while has been quite the rollercoaster.  In approximately 2 ish years I have gone through what has seemingly been hell and back.  In my post, “Breaking the Cycle,” I mentioned that there were some bad habits that I needed to get rid of and that I would no longer practice certain behaviors.  That went well, for a spell, anyway.  Unfortunately, tried and true, I began exhibiting some of these behaviors and habits again- struggling with depression/anxiety, money management when I really didn’t have any, time management as a full-time student AND a full-time employee, a horrible relationship, and the death of my great-grandma.  All of these things kept being thrown at me, from all different directions!   Needless to say, looking back, it’s almost no surprise that I ended up not receiving financial aid because of issues with college credits, thus having to move home Summer 2014.  

That was probably the hardest decision that I have ever had to make- a) stay in D.C. struggling, trying to get back into school or b) move home with Daddy-nem and have a fresh start. I’m SO GLAD I MOVED BACK HOME.  At first, of course, I felt dejected, beaten down, hopeless even.  Now, a year and a half later I fee wiser, STRONGER, lifted up.  I said in that last post that I was “…officially ridding myself of bad habits that continuously plague me in order to move into the next phase of my life, adulthood.”  Finally, I can say that I’m absolutely that, an adult.  

Now I’m working towards earning my degree by transferring to a cheaper state school closer to home, I’m near my supportive ass family, my time/money management is better than ever (disclaimer: BETTER not totally awesome, bill Gates level, lol!), and I have the most loving, supportive, grown man, beard having sexy boyfriend ever.  (Us getting together…? That’s a story for another time ;) 

All of this to say, I am honestly and truly #blessed.  I must say that the #glowup is real, and I cannot wait to see what this beautiful year ahead has to offer! Well wishes per usual! Xoxoxo

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Breaking the Cycle

Hi all!  Checking in to wish you all a wonderfully blessed Happy New Year.  2013 was filled with so many highs and lows, and everything in between– I was beyond ready to enter the new year.  Hope you all had a please and easy time kicking ’13 to the curb.

 

Speaking of kicking things to the curb, I am officially ridding myself of bad habits that continuously plague me in order to move into the next phase of my life, adulthood.  No longer will I be the poor time-managing worry wort who has issues pacing herself.  This year I am focusing on simply being the happiest, healthiest version of myself.  Learning from the pitfalls and embracing the good swings are what I have realized that leading a good, happy life are all about.  Never again will I be complacent simply with getting things done; taking care of business with my absolute best are priority at the moment.  

 

One way in which I will be embracing the good swing that I am having at the moment is by loosening the reigns on work in order to prioritize graduating.  It felt like such a relief to voice to my boss that right now, in this moment, my coursework is taking the front burner and my hours at this job the back one.  Perhaps me prioritizing school will lead to my prioritizing other parts of my life, such as finances and my health.  

 

Another way that I will work on pacing myself is to realize that I must be truly self-reliant- I cannot wait for others to get things done or even have others waiting on me.  If I make a commitment I will accomplish the task quickly and efficiently, and most important of all in a timely manner.  Word of the month: timely.  Comment below letting me know what happen to be some things you would like to work on this year.  Remember, guys, we have improvements we would like to make, not “new year’s resolutions.”  That makes it seem like some terrible obligation.  Blech!

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Product Review: M.A.C.’s Matte Lipstick in “Lady Danger”

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Up close view…. Love this color!

Hello all!!! Happy 2012!  Hope everyone’s year is going well so far.  I’ve recently returned to D.C. from my California Holiday Getaway.  Man, I wish I was there now, but back to the daily grind.

A few days ago, while shopping for a present for Mommy’s upcoming birthday (and irresponsibly looking for a new red lip color since I’ve been lost my Cyndi Lauper  VIVA Glam gloss😦 ), I stumbled on world’s most beautiful red color, Lady Danger.  It’s the perfect matte, yet bright red I’ve come across yet.  Since I have the advantage of a fair complexion on which I can display most colors, it’s easy to see how I could fall in love with it.  To hell with Ruby Woo, I say!

What’s your favorite red lip color ladies?  I’m highly open to new suggestions.  Since this is a super cherry red, I’m definitely looking for a more subtle red color to include in my arsenal. Can’t wait to see what y’all are wearing these days!🙂

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…When Seasons Change

Hello, loyal band of followers.  Hope all is well.  Seems like I only post for y’all when some shit’s popping off in my life or when I’m feeling some type of way…. So let’s not stop this trend, lol.  Recently,  or in this past semester, I should say, I’ve been learning a lot about myself.  I’ve learned that I do indeed have what it takes to live on my own and to be responsible for grown up things such as bills, rent, food, etc.  I’ve learned that I am a VERY strong woman; there are honestly not too many people who could take a day in my shoes.  I’ve seen many try this year and fail miserably :X  I have also learned to have faith in people, but to not be so damn trusting: stop trusting people to know what I’m feeling or thinking, stop trusting people to not make mistakes, stop trusting people to take responsibility for my person, and also to not be so trusting with my heart.  The question that I have though, is when will/how do you know it is okay to trust someone?  I’ve practiced acting different ways, or rather, behaving differently in various situations as well as trying new things, yet it seems I always get the same results- disappointment or heartache.  Overall, I guess what I have really learned this year is to love myself.  I suppose when I can fully appreciate and love me, wholly, then maybe I can open up and love someone else- trust them with my heart.

Also, I’ve learned LOVE GOD, always.  He is good. *Amen*  With that being said,  I’m really looking forward to getting back to the other things that I really truly do love.  I am elated to go home to my family, friends, good food, and good tree. Lol at that last “love” that I slid in there.  It’s been a long nine months, but I’m certainly due for a homecoming.  Cheers to loving yourself and getting ready for the new year!

P.S.  To all y ladies, this is something you must read about how you know that you’ve found a good guy.

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My Homie Irene

Baked goods ranging from cookies to brownies consumed a large portion of the weekend...

Baked goods ranging from cookies to brownies consumed a large portion of the weekend…

Hey, how’s it going, thrill seekers? Hoping to slowly but surely get back into blogging regularly. Summer was fun, yet has to come to an end sooner or later. So begins our transition into Fall, and while some do so by buying a huge wardrobe and planning epic Halloween costumes and buying Halloween-themed foods (oh wait I do those things too :/), others of us were stuck inside awaiting the beast that is/was Hurricane Irene.

This storm was also significant, I think, of washing away the old and dirty and welcoming the new and clean. For me the old and dirty means this heinous cold I’ve been battling for 2-3 days now. I also spent this storm cooped up with my new roomie and posse. We had a great time, from brownies to blunts.

I think I enjoyed this weekend so much because I haven’t sat around and done absolutely nothing in months. I’d run myself ragged and needed to chill out, but now I’m hella ready to crank out excellent grades this semester. Yup, making the grade and making money are my top priorities this semester. I plan on prepping for my future this year, beginning with better money management and investing. I’m just anxious to begin anew. Is it just me or does the beginning of the school year always signal changes and new aspects of our lives? Let me know how you all start off a new semester. Adios muchachos y muchachas!

....As did Bacon&Eggs&Cheese....

….As did Bacon&Eggs&Cheese….

Comfort was definitely the key this weekend, so I opted for crewnecks, leggings, cotton, and sweats.

Comfort was definitely the key this weekend, so I opted for crewnecks, leggings, cotton, and sweats.

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