Uncertainty. One word, feeling, or what have you that has the ability to completely incapacitate a person. In this case, that person would be me. Due to my various uncertainties- about my romantic relationship, my relationships with my family and friends, my work, my education, my financial stability, shit, my MENTAL stability -for the last year or so I have been more or less completely incapacitated when it comes to getting things off of the ground. Taking the bull by the horns and just DOING as opposed to WAITING for: the right time, more money, more time… More of everything. Well, you know what? I am tired of waiting. I am tired of being and feeling incapable. I am tired of being uncertain.
As I may have mentioned on this blog before, I have suffered from mental health issues beginning about four years ago. I had a significant psychological break, and it has left feeling a rack of different emotions and has caused some of my former behaviors and thought processes to do a complete 180. What I am realizing (which is something that I only heard in passing throughout my treatment) is that the only thing that will heal my feelings and my mind is, in fact, time. Reading that sentence it seems obvious. Duh, D, you went through a bunch of shit not even five years ago! Chill tf out! Easier said than done, my friend. Easier said than done.
During my treatment I heard one thing consistently: You’ll always have these issues. It doesn’t go away. You HAVE to accept it and JUST learn to be mindful. I promise you, this is not what anyone who has gone through what I’ve been through wants to hear. I refuse to listen to these old adages. I am claiming it for myself that I will NOT always have these issues. It will ease significantly, if not go away. I do NOT have to accept this- the waiting, the feeling incapable, the uncertainty. I do not JUST have to be mindful- I have to be mindful AND ALSO seek other practices and outlets that will help me to feel more comfortable with who I am. Not help me with who I have become, but who I am.
I am ready to move forward. I will take what this life throws at me. I will claim happiness. I will DO. I will claim certainty.