There Is Still Light 

I drink away my sorrows. I drink away my sorrows. I drink away my sorrows. I’m not an addict nor am I an alcoholic but I just don’t feel like stopping drinking. Just yet. The days are long and the nights are longer, obsidian shrouding the room. Feather top mattress colors no longer feel soft, and the tenseness of my body masks the comfort of down blankets. My cheeks are wet- moist -from new dew that wells at the corner of my eyes. Fuck this. Fuck that. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck my life. My life. Why? Not when all things bright become all things dark. Is there a tomorrow? How close is it? Is this home or is this a home. Are we done? Is this the end? The end of my days… maybe. Maybe it’s the end. My soul can’t feel this funky ass feeing any fucking longer. The days are long and the nights are longer… but days become shorter.  Night begins later.  There’s still light peeking effervescently through the window at the dawn of day. There is still light. 

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A Year In Review, In No Specific Order



This year was a doozy.  From cons becoming pros to Bruce becoming Caitlyn, it was a great year.  The year started off with greatness in February when Queen Bey announced her world tour during the Super Bowl commercials (LOLz).  It is also pretty easy to say that this was the year of Drake, who dropped his VIEWS album, which was awesome BTW in case you haven’t heard it.  The saga for President between Hilz and Trump kept all the minds reeling, ending in Trump having the upsetting victory.  In January we (well, most of us) listened to President Obama’s last (gulp) State of The Union address.  In brighter news the homie Leo DiCaprio won his long awaited Oscar (about damn time) for his big bear fight in Revenant.  The iPhone 7 also dropped in the second half of this year, changing headphones FOREVER (LOLz).  We also had to deal with the crazies this year and unfortunately say Rest In Peace to the beautiful souls in Orlando, Aleppo, and many other places that didn’t deserve disaster.  In Kardashian news, honorary Kardashian Kanye West went on his Saint Pablo tour which was cut short by 1) theft and hostage situation involving his smoking wife Kim K and 2) his inevitable going crazy (relatable… seriously).  This is by no means an exhaustive list, but it definitely brings up some bittersweet, some beautiful, memories.  Goodbye 2k16.  Bring it on, 2017. #BLACKLIVESMATTER

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…….Certain (All Great Changes Are Preceded In Chaos)

This is a follow-up to my uncertain post quite a few months ago.  At the time, I thought that life could not possibly become any worse and yet, here we are… Again.  I find myself to be lost and full of so many powerful emotions that it is difficult to focus on just one emotion to overcome.  Still, I get up every day and make the most of what life has dealt me.  I try to listen to my inner self (and my doctors) and take the time I need for myself.  This is time for me to be selfish… Also again.

I am absolutely my own worse critic.  I am way hard on myself, and I constantly am trying to live up to this idyllic version of myself who is always happy, in control, and certain.  So below i a list of things that I am certain about:

  • I am certain that I am in a good relationship with a good person.  I really don’t want anyone else for myself.  As he told me, we’ll get through this.
  • I am certain that I will accomplish my goals.  Good student was once my middle name, and while I may not now be the best student ever, I am once again, a good student.  By my own fucking standards.  I am immensely proud of the progress that I have made and the direction that I have taken for myself.
  • I am certain that this- whatever it is -will too pass.  The feelings that I have been feeling are indescribable.  However, I truly believe in God, and I believe that the best is yet to come.



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Too Quick to Judge

I clearly got get on my stock photo game… Or take better selfies.  Whichever happens first. 

A man on the train offers me tissue, or perhaps it is a napkin, because I am sniffling. I decline and say I’m fine. He persists and mentions that he heard me sniffling which is why he offered. I note, with a smile, that I already have one but thank you. I’m momentarily speechless and perplexed.

A moment before this, I noticed him look back at me, oddly, I thought. I scowl as he turns around, clearly fishing for something in his bag. I’m wondering why the man is acting so strangely. Post his gesture of kindness, I’m wondering why in the world he would randomly offer me a tissue, as if I would accept one from a stranger. I’m wondering what the man has done with the tissue that he is so quick to relinquish to me, someone unknown.

After the former exchange, I sat here in my seat on the train and thought. (I’d like to interject here and note that the word ‘exchange’ just autocorrected here on my iPhone to ‘echinacea’… I believe my phone is in my head and hears the cold in my voice, settling nicely in my bones… Can I have honey and lemon with that please?) How did I become so obtuse as to be weary of every gesture that someone makes towards me, least of which is offering my sorry, sick ass a tissue with which to wipe my nose?  The question is a part of a larger issue of why society is currently bristling with friction: blacks being scared that cops, more specifically, white cops will kill them or their friends and family members; whites and everyone else believing that all blacks are agitated and ready to strike up a violent protest at the drop of a dime; and every day citizens worried about if they or a loved one will be killed that day in a senseless act of violence.  Perhaps, if we all can just take a step back and think- think before we speak, before we act, before we shoot, before we judge -these issues in the world would lessen.  

Next time, I hope that I won’t be so quick to assume, to judge, the motive behind someone’s actions toward me. Well, I am paying for my naivety, and my quick-to-judge behavior is not without consequence. As I’m typing this the once congealed snot is beginning to drain from my nose, and guess what? The tissue that I supposedly had is actually an eyeglass cloth. 

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Uncertainty.  One word, feeling, or what have you that has the ability to completely incapacitate a person.  In this case, that person would be me.  Due to my various uncertainties- about my romantic relationship, my relationships with my family and friends, my work, my education, my financial stability, shit, my MENTAL stability -for the last year or so I have been more or less completely incapacitated when it comes to getting things off of the ground.  Taking the bull by the horns and just DOING as opposed to WAITING for: the right time, more money, more time… More of everything.  Well, you know what?  I am tired of waiting.  I am tired of being and feeling incapable.  I am tired of being uncertain.

As I may have mentioned on this blog before, I have suffered from mental health issues beginning about four years ago.  I had a significant psychological break, and it has left feeling a rack of different emotions and has caused some of my former behaviors and thought processes to do a complete 180.  What I am realizing (which is something that I only heard in passing throughout my treatment) is that the only thing that will heal my feelings and my mind is, in fact, time.  Reading that sentence it seems obvious. Duh, D, you went through a bunch of shit not even five years ago! Chill tf out!  Easier said than done, my friend.  Easier said than done.

During my treatment I heard one thing consistently: You’ll always have these issues.  It doesn’t go away.  You HAVE to accept it and JUST learn to be mindful.  I promise you, this is not what anyone who has gone through what I’ve been through wants to hear.  I refuse to listen to these old adages.  I am claiming it for myself that I will NOT always have these issues.  It will ease significantly, if not go away.  I do NOT have to accept this- the waiting, the feeling incapable, the uncertainty.  I do not JUST have to be mindful- I have to be mindful AND ALSO seek other practices and outlets that will help me to feel more comfortable with who I am.  Not help me with who I have become, but who I am.

IMG_1900I am ready to move forward.  I will take what this life throws at me.  I will claim happiness.  I will DO.  I will claim certainty.

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 Ahhh it’s been so. so. long.  I know, what kind of blogger am I? How could I ever in life take this long of a break from my passion?  Well, let me try to explain before you lovely people bite my head off. 🙂
The past…. long while has been quite the rollercoaster.  In approximately 2 ish years I have gone through what has seemingly been hell and back.  In my post, “Breaking the Cycle,” I mentioned that there were some bad habits that I needed to get rid of and that I would no longer practice certain behaviors.  That went well, for a spell, anyway.  Unfortunately, tried and true, I began exhibiting some of these behaviors and habits again- struggling with depression/anxiety, money management when I really didn’t have any, time management as a full-time student AND a full-time employee, a horrible relationship, and the death of my great-grandma.  All of these things kept being thrown at me, from all different directions!   Needless to say, looking back, it’s almost no surprise that I ended up not receiving financial aid because of issues with college credits, thus having to move home Summer 2014.  

That was probably the hardest decision that I have ever had to make- a) stay in D.C. struggling, trying to get back into school or b) move home with Daddy-nem and have a fresh start. I’m SO GLAD I MOVED BACK HOME.  At first, of course, I felt dejected, beaten down, hopeless even.  Now, a year and a half later I fee wiser, STRONGER, lifted up.  I said in that last post that I was “…officially ridding myself of bad habits that continuously plague me in order to move into the next phase of my life, adulthood.”  Finally, I can say that I’m absolutely that, an adult.  

Now I’m working towards earning my degree by transferring to a cheaper state school closer to home, I’m near my supportive ass family, my time/money management is better than ever (disclaimer: BETTER not totally awesome, bill Gates level, lol!), and I have the most loving, supportive, grown man, beard having sexy boyfriend ever.  (Us getting together…? That’s a story for another time 😉 

All of this to say, I am honestly and truly #blessed.  I must say that the #glowup is real, and I cannot wait to see what this beautiful year ahead has to offer! Well wishes per usual! Xoxoxo

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Breaking the Cycle

Hi all!  Checking in to wish you all a wonderfully blessed Happy New Year.  2013 was filled with so many highs and lows, and everything in between– I was beyond ready to enter the new year.  Hope you all had a please and easy time kicking ’13 to the curb.


Speaking of kicking things to the curb, I am officially ridding myself of bad habits that continuously plague me in order to move into the next phase of my life, adulthood.  No longer will I be the poor time-managing worry wort who has issues pacing herself.  This year I am focusing on simply being the happiest, healthiest version of myself.  Learning from the pitfalls and embracing the good swings are what I have realized that leading a good, happy life are all about.  Never again will I be complacent simply with getting things done; taking care of business with my absolute best are priority at the moment.  


One way in which I will be embracing the good swing that I am having at the moment is by loosening the reigns on work in order to prioritize graduating.  It felt like such a relief to voice to my boss that right now, in this moment, my coursework is taking the front burner and my hours at this job the back one.  Perhaps me prioritizing school will lead to my prioritizing other parts of my life, such as finances and my health.  


Another way that I will work on pacing myself is to realize that I must be truly self-reliant- I cannot wait for others to get things done or even have others waiting on me.  If I make a commitment I will accomplish the task quickly and efficiently, and most important of all in a timely manner.  Word of the month: timely.  Comment below letting me know what happen to be some things you would like to work on this year.  Remember, guys, we have improvements we would like to make, not “new year’s resolutions.”  That makes it seem like some terrible obligation.  Blech!

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